Just back from Texas, I was once again staring in the face of uncertainty...
July 27, 2013 (Journal Entry): "Father, I am a MESS this morning...I feel like my worlds are fragmenting AND colliding...the beauty of our home and garden is breathtaking - everything blooming at once! Even the hydrangea is showing off. Can it really be this is our last summer here? I will go, but please , don't make me go without my children! I have not spent thirty years raising them for destruction..."
July 27, 2013 (Journal Entry): "Father, I am a MESS this morning...I feel like my worlds are fragmenting AND colliding...the beauty of our home and garden is breathtaking - everything blooming at once! Even the hydrangea is showing off. Can it really be this is our last summer here? I will go, but please , don't make me go without my children! I have not spent thirty years raising them for destruction..."
July 31, 2013 (Journal Entry): "I had a dream of being in a house, hearing a loud crack, and realizing the house was sliding down the hillside, collapsing as it went. I climbed frantically up the ruins as it continued to slide, and barely made it out. I do feel like everything is slipping out from under us. You are our Sure Foundation. I will trust in You.
Strangely, I woke up singing a song I started working on last week in Amarillo:
'How can I believe You, Lord
The clouds have settled in
The light that burned inside my soul
Has flickered and grown dim...'"
*******
'How can I believe You, Lord
The clouds have settled in
The light that burned inside my soul
Has flickered and grown dim...'"
*******
Doubt and fear had plagued me far too long. I had to know for myself that God was speaking, calling us to leave. There was too much at stake! Taking Christine's advice, I picked up some index cards and hauled out my journals. I decided to turn back to May of 2012...a full calendar year before Henry ever mentioned leaving America. My skin prickled and the hair on my arms stood up as I read...
May 22, 2012 (Journal Entry):
"I had the strangest and most wonderful dream about discovering a hidden house that was ours....the main feature I remember was the beautifully polished black, granite countertop in the kitchen. I remember running my hand over it, admiring the workmanship. I told Henry, 'We really should start living here!'
Only You know the plans You have for us, both here and for eternity. One thing I know, You are good in ALL Your ways."
"I had the strangest and most wonderful dream about discovering a hidden house that was ours....the main feature I remember was the beautifully polished black, granite countertop in the kitchen. I remember running my hand over it, admiring the workmanship. I told Henry, 'We really should start living here!'
Only You know the plans You have for us, both here and for eternity. One thing I know, You are good in ALL Your ways."
"A coincidence", I thought to myself. It's just a coincidence. "Don't jump to conclusions. It was just a dream..." My curiosity was stirred though, and I turned the pages of my journal with a guarded sense of expectation:
June 13, 2012 (Journal Entry):
"God looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God..." Psalm 53:2
June 18, 2012 (Journal Entry):
"Woe to the obstinate nation...inscribe it on a scroll for the days to come...these are a rebellious people, deceitful children, children unwilling to listen to the Lord's instructions..." (Excerpt from Isaiah 30)
June 19, 2012 (Journal Entry):
"I sense that I am at a strange crossroads, but haven't spent enough time with You to see my way ahead..."
June 20, 2012 (Journal Entry):
"I sense today we arrive at a roundabout that will take our lives in a different direction - along an unfamiliar path...we can count on You to go ahead, to light the way, to bring strength and comfort...to lead us home."
"God looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God..." Psalm 53:2
June 18, 2012 (Journal Entry):
"Woe to the obstinate nation...inscribe it on a scroll for the days to come...these are a rebellious people, deceitful children, children unwilling to listen to the Lord's instructions..." (Excerpt from Isaiah 30)
June 19, 2012 (Journal Entry):
"I sense that I am at a strange crossroads, but haven't spent enough time with You to see my way ahead..."
June 20, 2012 (Journal Entry):
"I sense today we arrive at a roundabout that will take our lives in a different direction - along an unfamiliar path...we can count on You to go ahead, to light the way, to bring strength and comfort...to lead us home."
Comfort and assurance began to wash over me. The Master Gardener, who knows me better than I know myself, knows my roots were deep in Graham. The idea leaving all that was familiar would be formidable. In His kind and gentle manner, He had begun to plant seeds of change in the soil of my heart. Over the course of the next year, He would water and nurture them. Roots would grow, and begin to break up the fallow ground of supposition. He was making room for His plans...which were SO MUCH HIGHER THAN MINE.
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