Blog Posts

Bloom Where You're Planted!

5/8/2018

"The road is long, with many a winding turn
that leads us to who knows where,
who knows where..."
(He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother, the Hollies)

I have been wandering in the wilderness. My incomplete, Americanized concept of faith and obedience has been repeatedly cast down and trampled. Obedience begets blessing, right??? On 26 April I cried out to the Lord in my journal:

"Please forgive me...I seem to be so downcast. I WANT to be grateful and joyful, but You know I am struggling mightily with sadness as persistent as the winds of Orkney. I KNOW all the right answers...but they are lodged in my head. Why can't my heart embrace what I KNOW to be true?

You are good.
You are faithful.
You are sovereign.
Your plans are good.
You are always with me.
You will NEVER leave or forsake me.

Please allow me to ask some questions.

Why am I here?
Have erred in moving to Orkney?
How can I survive having so few true relationships here?
Do you still have work for me to do?
Will I be separated from my children for the rest of my life?
Are You angry with me?
Have I somehow failed you?
WILL YOU PLEASE TOUCH ME? SPEAK TO ME???

Father, I want to come forth as gold! With Job I want to be able to say, 'Lord, my ears have heard of You, but now my eyes have seen!' Romans 3:3 promises that my faithlessness does not nullify Your faithfulness. I beg you for your mercy and comfort while I wait."

How gracious is our God? Within hours of my heart-felt prayer the Lord brought to my attention the following quote, posted by John and Lisa Bevere:

"The greater the call
the greater the preparation needed."

They posted a short, encouraging video about the 'wilderness' experience. Here are the highlights:

'Wilderness' is a time of preparation.
It is NOT forever! (though it may feel that way)
It is God's way of building character.
He has NOT abandoned you.
There IS a purpose for it.
(Warning: Stubborn ignorance may prolong the 'wilderness' experience)

For the first time in MONTHS my heart found rest, the sweet peace that defies understanding restored in an instant. There is a PURPOSE for the struggle.

Speaking of 'wilderness,' this morning I finished reading the book of Ruth. It is such a bittersweet, familiar story. It is the story of a grieving widow who has also lost her two sons, and her faithful daughter-in-law who refuses to abandon her:

                             "Where you go I will go...
                      your people shall be my people,
                              and your God my God..."

I appreciate Ruth afresh today. She is a woman of the wilderness! Imagine her plight. She is young, childless, and her husband is dead. Her brother-in-law (her rightful kinsman-redeemer) is also dead, as is her father-in-law. Her affectionate loyalty to Naomi leads her away from her homeland, away from her mother and father and everything else that is familiar.

She is a stranger in a foreign land. It is harvest time and she must glean  in order to eat and provide for her mother-in-law.

We can only imagine her homesick heartache! Thankfully, Boaz comes to the rescue, redeeming her and making her his bride. The story has a happy ending after all!

That, however, is NOT the end of the story:

                 This stranger from Moab, this sojourner
                    will become the mother of Obed,
                             the grandmother of Jesse,
                  and great-grandmother to King David...
                           from whose line will come
            Jesus, the long awaited Messiah!

The moral of the story?

Remember, God IS in control.
He sees the whole picture.
He is trustworthy!
Don't prolong the wandering through stubbornness.
Trust His plan,
and
BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED!
(I thank God for the reminder of brave little posies
blooming in the gravel of our drive :)

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The Rubbish Bin

1/9/2018

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CHRISTmas lingers here at Little Halley. The tree is by now, admittedly a fire hazard. After weeks of preparation, the season has come and gone in a flash. The house is quiet, except for howling wind and the wild waves crashing in the distance. I will light the candles for a few more days, and ration the last bit of fruitcake, reliving moments I was perhaps too busy to fully enjoy. Memory is among the greatest gifts...

I thought we had sufficiently recovered from the joyful invasion...until I changed the liner in the rubbish bin. Ugh. "How long has it been like that?" I asked myself. Blushing with embarrassment. I was sickened at the thought of how many times guests had opened the cabinet door to reveal THIS!

The sides of the 'stainless' bin were streaked with drips of dried gravy and who knows what else. It was a multi-colored MESS! There were enough assorted crumbs in the bottom of the cabinet to feed a family of mice for a week!

The bin looking a bit better...

It will come as no great surprise that it did not smell very good. Immediate action was required. As I grabbed the sponge and the spray bottle I realized there was a lesson to be learned from the rubbish bin.

"Your life can be a bit like that..." I sensed the Holy Spirit speaking...

The modern message of the Gospel is characterized by grace, mercy and forgiveness. We revel in the freedom Christ won for us on the cross, and as a result we are sloppy in dealing with sin! How often have I been convicted of a sinful thought or action and tossed it aside a bit too carelessly? Unless I deal thoroughly with sin it will spill over into my life, sticking to my soul like gluey gravy.

"Be holy as I am holy." An impossible mandate, but for the working of the Holy Spirit in our hearts and a willingness to cooperate!

Charles Finney, author of "Lectures on Revival," suggests that our sins are committed one by one. Each sin is a painful offense to the One who saved us. A generalized confession of sin will not do...we must take the time to allow the Spirit to convict us. We will be conformed to the image of Christ as we put to death the deeds of the flesh and renew our minds and actions in the power of the Spirit.

The church is weak and sick because we are wallowing in the mud. Lord, help us remember the lesson of the rubbish bin.

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Autumn

10/23/2017

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Autumn has arrived in Orkney. Seasoned farmers lament the excessive rainfall, and sad rows of sodden barley lie heaped in fields, abandoned. In the absence of trees, I look to the leaves of the Rosa Rugosa for signs of the season. Sensing the dwindling light and the impending arrival of the gales, the roses protect themselves by preparing for harsh winter conditions. Where the leaf and stem meet, the flow of nutrients slows, then stops completely. The leaves yellow and wither.

The last rose of the season...

I think I know how they feel. Late this spring I noticed my endurance was ebbing. A few months before I had enjoyed the 1 1/2 mile walk back from the beach (uphill). Now walking from one end of the house to the other left me breathless. Negotiating stairs brought chest pain. My skin was pale and dry. I felt the life draining out of me. It now July, and time to see the doctor. Results of heart and lung tests were normal. Then came the call from the doctor. My red blood cell count was 58...low normal is 120. The anemia was starving my body of oxygen. I hate to admit...even to myself, I was slowly dying.

Hospital selfie.

Mid-August found me at the Balfour Hospital. After two days of inconclusive testing the decision was made to transfuse. I was the reluctant, but grateful recipient of two units of packed red blood cells. It was not easy to embrace the reality of blood from two different people slowly dripping into my vein. Within five minutes I developed a bright red rash on my neck...a mild reaction to the blood. I have read that a blood transfusion is the equivalent of a liquid organ transplant. Thankfully the rash disappeared after six weeks.

One unit down, one to go!

With the infusion of blood, my face slowly lost it's pasty tinge and a bit of color returned. When I left the hospital on the evening of August 19th, I walked to the parking lot carrying my own bag...and was not breathless! Leviticus 17:11 says, "The life is in the blood." I thank God for the gift of life and for the blood given by donors I will never meet.

Four days after my release I was strong enough (by God's grace) to make the journey to Kate, Richard and Adelyn's home in Kiltarlity. Paxton Nathaniel Dahl arrived a week after I did, early on the morning of August 31.

The Dahl Family

I was greatly challenged as I lay in that hospital bed last August. I was the youngest of five women on the ward (The oldest was ninety-six). Perhaps for the first time I realized that spring and summer have passed for me. Autumn has arrived. I have a newfound desire to redeem the time...to abide in the Lord, to make each moment count for eternity. I am grateful for every breath, and pray for the grace to learn contentment...even in the most difficult circumstances.

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Freedom

7/4/2017

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It is a stunningly beautiful day in Orkney. The blue sky is studded with cotton clouds and there are more boats bobbing in Newark Bay than I have ever seen before. It is NOT warm, however. I will be missing a bit of warmth...and my family. Family and fireworks, brisket and baked beans...even the shifting smoke of the bonfire. I imagine preparations are underway for the annual Fourth of July festivities... and I am homesick. I love the celebration and the sentiment of 'Independence Day,' but my current geographical location challenges me...

4th of July at Steve and Trish's

In Orkney it is just Tuesday, 4 July. Henry is at the dentist. I am making taco salad for dinner. What about this 'freedom' thing? True political freedom is a rare jewel these days. I am thinking there must be more to this thing we call 'freedom.'

I decided to do a little research. It turns out there are eight Hebrew words which we translate as 'free/freedom!' Below are some of the definitions:

exempt from bondage or tax - liberty - spontaneous - abundant gift - to spread loose - to manumit (free from slavery) - to be or make clean - to dig up by the roots - cleanse - innocent - blameless - clean - clear - to dismiss - free - voluntary - generous - magnanimous - nobility - to open wide - loosen- break forth - set free

Genuine freedom is far more grand than it first appears. It is of paramount importance to God! It was for FREEDOM (from sin and death) that He sent His only Son, Jesus Christ to set us free. The words are almost too familiar though, and I for one, am guilty of taking my 'freedom' for granted. I am just now beginning to realize that freedom from sin and death is only the tip of the iceberg...

HE HAS SO MUCH MORE FOR US!

I am painstakingly learning the truth of Jesus' words in John 8:36 -

         "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

FREE from...
            FEAR
                         BITTERNESS
                                        INTIMIDATION
                                                       PERFORMANCE
                                                                      CONTROL
                                                                                     LEGALISM
                                                                                                   CONDEMNATION
                                                                                                                      HOPELESSNESS
                                                                                                                                         DESPAIR

                What are the invisible chains that bind you?
                  THEY HAVE BEEN BROKEN!

          LET FREEDOM RING!

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The Cinderella Syndrome

6/12/2017

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My First Favorite Book

I may or may not have just spent half the morning on an unsuccessful hunt around the house for this old friend. The stories within sustained me during an awkward and lonely childhood. They continue to captivate! Rapunzel, Beauty and the Beast, Toads and Diamonds, Snow White and Rose Red...and of course, Cinderella... classic stories of good vs. evil, written before the lines between the two were blurred. Our beloved heroes/heroines face wicked witches, evil dwarves, curses and cruel stepsisters. Good always prevails in the end.

If the shoe fits...

We LOVE these stories! They feed our souls, appealing to our God-given hunger for justice and righteousness. We are, after all, created in His image. Justice and Righteousness are the foundations of His throne! (Psalm 89:14) There is HOPE that one day all will be made right. Faith and righteousness will be rewarded. We await the arrival of our handsome prince...a not-so-subtle picture of Christ's return for His Bride.

The Wedding of Cinderella

                          We MUST have hope!
            "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." (Proverbs 13:12)
That said, the Lord reminded me of something VITAL this morning as I was reading in Hebrews Chapter 11:

"By faith...some conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the sword, were made strong in weakness, became mighty in war and put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection."

                                             WOW!!! I want some of THAT faith!

This is where 'Fairy Tale' faith gives way to faith of an altogether different sort:

Hebrews 11 continues:

"By faith...some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted , mistreated..."

ALL THESE WERE COMMENDED FOR THEIR FAITH!

I hate to admit that I have failed miserably these past nine months. My incomplete understanding of faith, slanted toward the 'Fairy Tale' sort, has left me all too vulnerable to disillusionment and doubt. The enemy is quick to jump in with his vile insinuations:
"Did God really say...??? Does He even exist??? Does He really care about you???"
At times I have shaken my fist at God (forgive me, Jesus), having falsely believed that faithful obedience always results in a happy ending here in time and space.

Henry Blackaby's Comment on Hebrews 11 struck me this morning:

                                                   "A faithful life
                        does not always bring the same results
                                                 in human terms..."

                        It is time to prepare our hearts for the battle that is coming,
                                                                and is already raging.

          'Fairy Tale' faith alone will not carry us. Faith is the substance of things hoped for!

"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed,
but of those who have faith and preserve their souls."
(Hebrews 10:39)

"Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men,
so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
(Hebrews 12:3)

"Hope does not disappoint!"

"It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name...That is the Fairy Tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that IT IS TRUE, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still." (Frederick Buechner)

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Safe

5/1/2017

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On the way to Colorado Springs

I spoke with our daughter, Kate Dahl, awhile ago. She, Richard and Adelyn flew to Colorado Springs yesterday for cross-cultural training. Lord willing they will soon be in the Highlands, working as Area Directors for Young Life Scotland. Prayers for the Lord's timing and provision are appreciated!

Miss Adelyn has done quite a bit of traveling in her twenty-one months! This is the first time she has had her own bag however. Kate said she burst into tears when that bag was placed on the conveyor belt at the airport and disappeared...fearing she would never see it again!

They did their best to explain...

I couldn't help but note the spiritual parallel. As a follower of Christ I am called to full surrender. To place my 'bag' on the conveyor belt, so to speak. I must release my will, my sinful habits, my preferences, my gifts and ambitions, my possessions, even my family...all that I am and all that I have to the Lord. Perhaps it would be wise to give up the right to use the word 'my' altogether! "For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things..." (Romans 11:36)

Am I the only one who finds this difficult? This struggle to surrender is rooted in unbelief. It forms the matrix of a battle I must fight DAILY. If I put my bag on the belt, how can I be sure it will be safe? Most days I live under the illusion that I am in control...a GREAT and DANGEROUS deception.

Is there anything you are struggling to release to Him? Let us encourage one another! He is worthy of our trust. He is El Roi, the God who sees. He is Jehovah Jireh, our Provider. He is our Protection and our Shield. He is El Shaddai, God Almighty! He is the Keeper of the Conveyor Belt. I am preaching to myself...Breathe. Trust. Rest. Hope. Believe. He is good in ALL His ways.

On July 12, 2012 I recorded this quote from The Pursuit of God (A.W. Tozer) in my journal. I have never needed it more!

"Possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in life. We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety...
so we WILL be brought to this testing place..and our whole future
will be conditioned by the choice we make."

LET IT GO.

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The Threshing Floor

2/19/2017

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Old fashioned threshing, using flails.

The gales have returned after several days of spring-like weather. I think the snowdrops and crocuses must be shivering on this damp and blustery day!

It is a good day to build a fire in the stove and share a bit of what's been on my heart. If you read my last blog, 'Pressed But Not Crushed', you will know the past months have been bewildering and painful for me. The title of today's blog was impressed upon my heart several days ago, and I realized the Lord has more to teach me. His desire is to bring beauty from the ashes of His refining fire.

Honestly, I don't know much about threshing.   I learned a bit by searching the Scriptures this morning:
          There are two Hebrew words for 'thresh.' Both mean to trample, or tread down. Before the invention of modern farm equipment, sheaves of harvested grain were brought to the threshing floor, where they were either trampled by animals (oxen, donkeys, etc.) or beaten by hand with 'flails', as pictured above. This process separated the grain from the straw. The grain would then be kept for seed, or used to make bread. The straw was used as bedding for animals, or simply burned.

God speaks of 'threshing' in three contexts:

          1) He warns the nations that they will be 'threshed' in judgment:
                                       "You threshed the nations in anger..." Habakkuk 3:12

                        "His breath is like an overflowing stream that reaches up to the neck
                                to sift the nations with the sieve of destruction." Isaiah 30:28

          2) John the Baptist describes the threshing and winnowing of God's people:

"I baptize you with water for repentance, but He who comes after me,
whose sandals I am not worthy to carry,
He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.
His winnowing fork is in His hand, and He will clear His threshing floor
and gather His wheat into the barn,
but the chaff He will burn with unquenchable fire."
Matthew 3:11-12

3) Jesus speaks of personal threshing or 'sifting':

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you,
that he might sift you like wheat.
But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail."
Luke 22:31

Jesus doesn't leave it there, however! He continues:

"AND WHEN YOU HAVE TURNED AGAIN,
STRENGTHEN YOUR BROTHERS."

We are called to encourage and exhort one another...
James, the brother of Jesus and author of the letter which bears his name, writes:

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)

The threshing floor is a place of redemption

              "Wash...and go down to the threshing floor...lie down at his feet."
                                                      Naomi told Ruth in Ruth 3:2

We seasoned Christians are adept at justifying our sins...impurity, deceit, enmity, strife, anger, jealousy, rivalries, dissension, division, unlimited forms of idolatry... The last thing we want to do is confess and be cleansed. We have a Kinsman Redeemer who invites us to be washed and lie down at His feet...

             Lord, strip me of this chaff and fill me with the fruit of Your Spirit...

                                         I can choose bitterness....
or I can allow the Lord to remove my 'chaff' in the shaking!

          "For the one who sows to the flesh will from the flesh reap corruption,
         but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life."
                                                                         Galatians 6:8

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Pressed but not Crushed

2/5/2017

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Sunrise over the Lighthouse on Copinsay

It has been a long winter for this soul. Though the weather has been unusually mild and I have become accustomed to the shorter days, a different kind of darkness has threatened to undo me...

Forgive me for lamenting...I know there are untold numbers in the world today who would trade places in an instant...

For more than four months I have succeeded in dissuading myself from exposing myself, managing to hide a heart that has hemorrhaged. Jesus warned that following Him would be costly:

"Now great crowds accompanied Him, and He turned and said to them:
'If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yet, even his own life,
he cannot be my disciple.
Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.
For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and
COUNT THE COST,
whether he has enough to complete it?
Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish,
all who see it begin to mock him.'"
(Luke 14:25-30)

Of course we cannot take this literally, as Jesus commanded us to love...even love our enemies! He is using a bit of hyperbole here to make His point. If we will follow Him, obedience must be our highest priority, no matter the cost.

I have counted and recounted the cost over the past few years, thinking I had offered all I had...leaving children, an elderly mother, extended family, ministry, dear, life-long friends, the family farm, horses, sheep and chickens...everything precious and familiar, to answer His call.

I could not have anticipated the crucifixion of my character.

On October 3 a prominent member of the church and community requested a meeting with me, ostensibly to discuss a possible project. Instead, for more than two and a half hours the 'accuser of the brethren' hurled one stone after another.

                               "Is anyone telling you what people are saying about you?"
    "Isn't there anyone who is speaking candidly with you about what people are saying?"
"Isn't there anyone in the church who knows you well enough to defend your character?"

Requests for specifics and clarification were met with a glib rebuff:
                                         "I am not going to betray my confidences."

Henry had just left to visit his Mom in Indiana. I came home that evening to an empty house...consumed with torment, confusion and grief. My only goal since arriving in Orkney has been to 'be a blessing' to our new community. I grabbed my journal and cried out to the Lord:

Abba,
I am practically crawling out of my skin at the moment. My 2 1/2 hour meeting turned into a lengthy recitation of all the reasons I have failed in Orkney...evidently everyone has been talking about me, but no one has bothered to tell me...

Four months later, I now know the claims made that day were unfounded. I had not ruined my reputation...my 'character' was not in question. Sadly there has been no resolution, no reconciliation, as the accuser denied all of it...suggesting I fabricated the entire incident. I have been deeply hurt and frustrated beyond belief. The battle with bitterness is REAL.

I must believe that ALL things work together for good...so what have I learned in all of this?

1) Our God is El Roi, 'The God who sees.'
In Genesis 16 Hagar had been mistreated by Sarai and fled into the wilderness. The angel of the Lord found her and ministered to her. She called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, "You are a God of seeing...truly here have I seen Him who looks after me."

2) He is my Defender
King David cried out to the Lord when Saul pursued him in jealousy: "Deliver me from my enemies, O my God; protect me from those who rise up against me...my God in His steadfast love will meet me..." (Psalm 59:1, 10)

The Lord has stripped me of all self-reliance. I can no longer fall back on my 'reputation' of being a woman of godly character...after all, as it was pointed out:

"No one knows you well enough to know that what you have to offer is ok..."

I am completely dependent on Him. The words from a Chris Tomin song come to mind:

"Where you go, I'll go.
Where you stay, I'll stay.
When you move, I'll move.
I will follow...
All Your ways are good
All Your ways are sure.
I WILL TRUST IN YOU ALONE...

Several days ago I was walking on the beach...feeling quite alone. I picked up a flat stone. (I often pick up flat rocks or bits of pottery upon which I can write verses. These sometimes find themselves in a bubble-wrapped envelope, travelling across the Atlantic to a loved one) That day on the beach, looking for flat stones, I asked the Lord:
"If you were to write something on a stone for me, what would it say?"

Immediately the words from Jeremiah 31:3 came to mind...

"I have loved you with an everlasting love!"

Forgive me for doubting You, Lord.

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Heaven: Password Protected

11/8/2016

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It was a strange way to wake up. On the 9th of September, the Spirit of the Lord spoke while I slept. I was vaguely aware, but sleeping too deeply to awaken easily. Finally, around 5:00 I was awake enough to realize that the title for a new blog had been 'downloaded.'
"Heaven: Password Protected"
"Clever," I thought, "but what am I supposed to do with that???"

The Yellow Brick Road

Tonight, I think I know. We have just witnessed the conclusion of the most vulgar and embarrassing presidential election in living memory. The results are in. A decision has been made, but the combat continues. Nerves are raw. Tempers are flaring. Tears are falling. Folks, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Strange things happen when campaigning commences. Something that has it's roots in nobility rises in us. Primeval hope stirs. We ought not be surprised...after all, God has set eternity in our hearts. We instinctively know we were created for a better world. Tragically though, we are afflicted with a strange kind of amnesia. Vainly we fix our eyes on a political candidate, looking for a saviour of sorts. We set off on the yellow brick road, hoping to find Utopia. John Eldredge calls it 'The Haunting,' this strange desire for that which is beautiful and fulfilling and oh-so elusive. It is the longing for paradise lost.

Our beloved fairy tales betray our hearts...our desperate longing to be rescued, and our hope for a 'happily ever after' ending. My Dad used to say, "I have good news and bad news." The Good News is that heaven's door is open!

The bad news? It is password-protected. The gate is narrow. The way is hard that leads to Life, and those who find it are few. There is only One who holds the Key. His Name is Jesus. He is the One you have been waiting for! He is The Desire of Nations. King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Seek Him while He may be found!

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An Elephant, the Thief and Escalonia

10/13/2016

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October Escalonia, Little Halley

This is Escalonia. Unknown to me before our move to Orkney, she has become one of my favorite shrubs! From Spring until the worst of the winter gales set in, clusters of pink, bell-shaped blossoms adorn her branches. Her leaves are a deep waxy green, reminding me of Gardenia foliage, or the Camellias that grace the entryway of our old home in Graham. Above all though, I love Escalonia for her resilience!

Our first winter in Orkney (2014) was a WILD one! Orcadians in their eighties claimed they could not remember a winter like it. Salt laden gusts topping 100 MPH battered this beauty until the only leaves left dangling from her branches were withered and brown. "She's done for," I thought to myself...

The worst of the winter winds have not yet arrived, but I am ahead of the game. I have found myself in the midst of one of life's stormy battles. Several weeks ago Henry and I decided to have another go at our favorite study, 'Experiencing God'. Our renewed commitment to draw near to the Lord, to seek His purpose and plans, unleashed a barrage of fiery arrows from the pit of hell. The attack has left me feeling bewildered and helpless. My consolation comes from knowing that El Roi, the 'God who sees,' is my Defender.

This is a tricky time of year for me anyway...approaching the eighth anniversary of Dad's disappearance and death. Haunting memories of our Montana nightmare reappear: Images of pale November sunshine casting long, distorted shadows...Miles and miles of faded gold stubble, the barren remains of summer's harvest...The desperate, somber expression on my son's face as we searched for Dad, a mirrored reflection of my own heart...The sound of the helicopter as it landed, bearing news of Daddy's demise...And the abject horror of seeing my father one last time...encased in a black body bag.

Life can be cruel. It is against this backdrop that I began my study yesterday:

"If you were standing before God, could you describe your relationship with Him by saying, 'I love You with all my heart, and all my soul and all my mind and all my strength'?
               Yes?             or             No?

How I wanted to check 'Yes!' But I could not. 'What has happened to me?' I wondered. I began to realize that the Thief has robbed me of trust in God's goodness, fueling the fire of doubt.   The circumstances of Daddy's death provided the fodder and the spark...the testing of my faith and radical obedience required these past few years only fanned the flames.

                      'How can I love Someone I do not fully trust?' I wondered.

I began to pray, and as I prayed the words of C.S. Lewis came to mind, as penned in
"The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe."

"Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh," said Susan.  "I thought he was a man. Is he quite safe? I shall feel rather      nervous about meeting a lion."
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver..."Who said anything about safe? Course He isn't safe.  BUT HE'S GOOD. HE'S THE KING, I TELL YOU."

                                   "Course He isn't safe, but He's GOOD..."

I found myself praying, "Spirit, help me experience Your love for me as I recall Your goodness and faithfulness...thank you for giving me a Daddy who understood me - who loved me unconditionally..."

As I prayed, a torrent of memories washed over me! Momentary flashes of my father's wild and lavish expressions of love. My first Christmas brought a puppy, Inky, a black ball of fluff who would become my closest companion and confidant. Many pre-school days were spent standing on the seat of the 'call truck,' wedged behind Dad's shoulder. We bounced through the countryside, from farm to farm, tending to all manner of livestock. Those days were not complete without a stop for 'penny candy' at Mr. Kuper's store.

Several years later I would arrive home from school one afternoon to find a baby elephant standing in our front yard! Dad was a man of delightful surprises! Then there was the day he decided to buy a herd of ponies...twenty-four, to be exact, along with two 'pony rings' he would take to local carnivals.

He taught me to work. My career began at the age of twelve, cleaning kennels and mopping floors fouled by sick dogs. I watched my father practice veterinary medicine without partiality, loving and serving those shunned by others, often refusing to charge those who could not afford his services. He was NOT a perfect man...many a naughty word escaped his lips when he was frustrated or angry, but I NEVER detected a hint of pride. His was a humble, servant's heart.

After my disastrous and painful divorce he was often both "Papa" and very much a second father to my children. He loved his grandchildren in the same outlandish way he loved his children, with a balance of love, discipline and an unmatched sense of adventure.

Dad with Drew and Kate...

Tears flowed freely as I relived life with Dad...wondering anew at the peculiar richness of my childhood. It was then I heard the familiar 'still, small voice,' and I knew...

"It was You all along!" I cried. "It was You blessing me through my father, revealing Your generous, knowing, loving heart through him! And You love me still..."

I asked the Lord to forgive me for doubting Him...for questioning His goodness. I told Him I LOVE Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength...and like the Escalonia, I know the storms of Winter will eventually pass, giving way to Spring.

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An Elephant, the Thief and Escalonia

Anne Reitzug

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