October Escalonia, Little Halley This is Escalonia. Unknown to me before our move to Orkney, she has become one of my favorite shrubs! From Spring until the worst of the winter gales set in, clusters of pink, bell-shaped blossoms adorn her branches. Her leaves are a deep waxy green, reminding me of Gardenia foliage, or the Camellias that grace the entryway of our old home in Graham. Above all though, I love Escalonia for her resilience!
Our first winter in Orkney (2014) was a WILD one! Orcadians in their eighties claimed they could not remember a winter like it. Salt laden gusts topping 100 MPH battered this beauty until the only leaves left dangling from her branches were withered and brown. "She's done for," I thought to myself...
The worst of the winter winds have not yet arrived, but I am ahead of the game. I have found myself in the midst of one of life's stormy battles. Several weeks ago Henry and I decided to have another go at our favorite study, 'Experiencing God'. Our renewed commitment to draw near to the Lord, to seek His purpose and plans, unleashed a barrage of fiery arrows from the pit of hell. The attack has left me feeling bewildered and helpless. My consolation comes from knowing that El Roi, the 'God who sees,' is my Defender.
This is a tricky time of year for me anyway...approaching the eighth anniversary of Dad's disappearance and death. Haunting memories of our Montana nightmare reappear: Images of pale November sunshine casting long, distorted shadows...Miles and miles of faded gold stubble, the barren remains of summer's harvest...The desperate, somber expression on my son's face as we searched for Dad, a mirrored reflection of my own heart...The sound of the helicopter as it landed, bearing news of Daddy's demise...And the abject horror of seeing my father one last time...encased in a black body bag.
Life can be cruel. It is against this backdrop that I began my study yesterday:
"If you were standing before God, could you describe your relationship with Him by saying, 'I love You with all my heart, and all my soul and all my mind and all my strength'?
Yes? or No?
How I wanted to check 'Yes!' But I could not. 'What has happened to me?' I wondered. I began to realize that the Thief has robbed me of trust in God's goodness, fueling the fire of doubt. The circumstances of Daddy's death provided the fodder and the spark...the testing of my faith and radical obedience required these past few years only fanned the flames.
'How can I love Someone I do not fully trust?' I wondered.
"If you were standing before God, could you describe your relationship with Him by saying, 'I love You with all my heart, and all my soul and all my mind and all my strength'?
Yes? or No?
How I wanted to check 'Yes!' But I could not. 'What has happened to me?' I wondered. I began to realize that the Thief has robbed me of trust in God's goodness, fueling the fire of doubt. The circumstances of Daddy's death provided the fodder and the spark...the testing of my faith and radical obedience required these past few years only fanned the flames.
'How can I love Someone I do not fully trust?' I wondered.
I began to pray, and as I prayed the words of C.S. Lewis came to mind, as penned in
"The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe."
"Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh," said Susan. "I thought he was a man. Is he quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver..."Who said anything about safe? Course He isn't safe. BUT HE'S GOOD. HE'S THE KING, I TELL YOU."
"Course He isn't safe, but He's GOOD..."
"The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe."
"Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh," said Susan. "I thought he was a man. Is he quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver..."Who said anything about safe? Course He isn't safe. BUT HE'S GOOD. HE'S THE KING, I TELL YOU."
"Course He isn't safe, but He's GOOD..."
I found myself praying, "Spirit, help me experience Your love for me as I recall Your goodness and faithfulness...thank you for giving me a Daddy who understood me - who loved me unconditionally..."
As I prayed, a torrent of memories washed over me! Momentary flashes of my father's wild and lavish expressions of love. My first Christmas brought a puppy, Inky, a black ball of fluff who would become my closest companion and confidant. Many pre-school days were spent standing on the seat of the 'call truck,' wedged behind Dad's shoulder. We bounced through the countryside, from farm to farm, tending to all manner of livestock. Those days were not complete without a stop for 'penny candy' at Mr. Kuper's store.
Several years later I would arrive home from school one afternoon to find a baby elephant standing in our front yard! Dad was a man of delightful surprises! Then there was the day he decided to buy a herd of ponies...twenty-four, to be exact, along with two 'pony rings' he would take to local carnivals.
He taught me to work. My career began at the age of twelve, cleaning kennels and mopping floors fouled by sick dogs. I watched my father practice veterinary medicine without partiality, loving and serving those shunned by others, often refusing to charge those who could not afford his services. He was NOT a perfect man...many a naughty word escaped his lips when he was frustrated or angry, but I NEVER detected a hint of pride. His was a humble, servant's heart.
After my disastrous and painful divorce he was often both "Papa" and very much a second father to my children. He loved his grandchildren in the same outlandish way he loved his children, with a balance of love, discipline and an unmatched sense of adventure.
As I prayed, a torrent of memories washed over me! Momentary flashes of my father's wild and lavish expressions of love. My first Christmas brought a puppy, Inky, a black ball of fluff who would become my closest companion and confidant. Many pre-school days were spent standing on the seat of the 'call truck,' wedged behind Dad's shoulder. We bounced through the countryside, from farm to farm, tending to all manner of livestock. Those days were not complete without a stop for 'penny candy' at Mr. Kuper's store.
Several years later I would arrive home from school one afternoon to find a baby elephant standing in our front yard! Dad was a man of delightful surprises! Then there was the day he decided to buy a herd of ponies...twenty-four, to be exact, along with two 'pony rings' he would take to local carnivals.
He taught me to work. My career began at the age of twelve, cleaning kennels and mopping floors fouled by sick dogs. I watched my father practice veterinary medicine without partiality, loving and serving those shunned by others, often refusing to charge those who could not afford his services. He was NOT a perfect man...many a naughty word escaped his lips when he was frustrated or angry, but I NEVER detected a hint of pride. His was a humble, servant's heart.
After my disastrous and painful divorce he was often both "Papa" and very much a second father to my children. He loved his grandchildren in the same outlandish way he loved his children, with a balance of love, discipline and an unmatched sense of adventure.
Dad with Drew and Kate... Tears flowed freely as I relived life with Dad...wondering anew at the peculiar richness of my childhood. It was then I heard the familiar 'still, small voice,' and I knew...
"It was You all along!" I cried. "It was You blessing me through my father, revealing Your generous, knowing, loving heart through him! And You love me still..."
"It was You all along!" I cried. "It was You blessing me through my father, revealing Your generous, knowing, loving heart through him! And You love me still..."
I asked the Lord to forgive me for doubting Him...for questioning His goodness. I told Him I LOVE Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength...and like the Escalonia, I know the storms of Winter will eventually pass, giving way to Spring.
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